Entering the Empty Room
A lonely girl's guide to not doing anything at all.
Happy Solitude Sunday!
In therapy last week I unlocked some new connections. I named the fact that I was a child who earned love by being “healthy,” “stable,” and an unconditional helper. I admitted that I am now an adult who finds my value—my sense of self—from my service to other people. This sometimes means:
I lose my feeling of self-worth if I am not able to help someone with their problems.
I feel an external pressure to “have it all together,” even to my detriment.
So, after we discovered these things, my therapist decided to pull an oracle card. The deck she pulls from is The Wild Unknown Archetypes by Kim Krans. She first asked me to think of where I was wanting guidance. This was truthfully the most difficult part. Do I ask for help with love? With my career? With family? While she was shuffling I bounced back in forth internally on my needed guidance. I did not settle on one topic, and I believe it was supposed to be that way. The card was “The Empty Room.” and the text read as follows:
“The empty room haunts us all. It is the universal and all too frequent feeling of lack, of wanting, of the craving to fill ourselves with something, anything. We too often attempt to remedy the discomfort of The Empty Room by any means necessary, leading us to a culture of more. Ironically, The Empty Room is filled to the brim with potential, yet we perceive it as not enough. This card is a cry for patience, for sitting within the barren walls of not knowing, for awaiting true vision and purpose before attaching to what we “should” do next to save our outward appearance. Be with the nothingness. Be with the impatience. The Empty Room has immense power. Let others wonder what you are doing. If you can settle in to the magic of emptiness, you will soon hear its whispers of wisdom.” (147)
Being OK with…not doing anything??
It seemed to me that The Empty Room was the solution to my declining feelings of self-worth. I will admit, it sometimes feels like my whole life has been 25 years of surviving in an empty room. Learning how to be alone and take care of myself is something I pride myself upon. Why do I have to keep doing this? The Empty Room is always there to answer the question “what do I do?”
When might the empty room be useful?
Seeking constant external validation or stimulation.
Having trouble concentrating on a project.
Overworking myself
Accepting hurt feelings for the sake of company.
Begging people to stay
Grasping at straws for those existential answers
Expecting different results from the same behavior.
Why is the empty room so uncomfortable?
Withdrawal & Boredom: We live in a society (Global North) that values constant stimulation and fetishizes ambition. Letting go and letting be is difficult when you have trained your nervous system to associate busy-ness with whole-ness.
Loneliness & Isolation: Being alone may be frightening for people who primarily find their safety and value in the company of others.
Emptiness & The Scarcity Mindset: If you believe you’re not enough/you’ll never have enough, being relegated to The Empty Room may feel like a punishment rather than gift.
Phrases that honor the empty room:
I am not in a hurry right now.
I have time to do this the right way.
I have everything I need to thrive.
I should sleep before I make hard decisions.
I don’t need to have it all figured out to be valuable.
I enjoy the company of my thoughts.
There is nothing that requires my immediate attention.
Anything to add?
“Loneliness is my armor, ritual and routine my magic”
“None of This Alone” by Terry Presume:
I’ll stop you from slipping up
When your energy is quite torn to
pieces all because
You run around a lot in my mental
You like to talk about what you’ve
been through
If only love was really that simple
If only I could get what I want to”
God’s Favorite Idiot on Netflix, featuring Melissa McCarthy & Ben Falcone
Listen, this got horrible reviews. I didn’t read them, but I sure saw the numbers. A little harsh guys! I laughed out loud at S1 many times; It’s so light hearted and sweet.
She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb (1992)
Listen, it is cute of me to think my recommendation will get to you before Oprah did 2 decades ago. Not every part has aged well (looking at you, fat-phobia), and it is not the most exciting, adventure packed story. But it is so fun to read!
Until next time!
With Love,
Jess
